heavy metal
last modified on sep 02, 2026
hello there dear fellers! hope all is good with y’all. this blog is kind of an update blog of what has been going on in my life. i’ll keep it short cause no one asked for this and no one is much interested in others' lives unless they fall in line with the life they are living.
so i have once again hopped on the nixos train, second try, i’d say. i still don't think i am using it as it is intended to be used; i am using it like i use just any other distro. before this, i was using fedora because, well, because it kinda feels like home. i have tried quite some distros, and fedora has always been the one i come back to. well, there are some things i find troublesome there as well, but troubles are everywhere ig. one of the problems that i had was that some of the stuff i wanted to use isn't available in official repos. i know, i know copr exists, but for the most of it, i am kinda under the impression that it is not as in sync as it is when it's available in the official repo (i have experienced it, that's why i am saying, though i might be wrong). now, i could have installed nix package manager and installed things from there, but well… things didn't go as i wanted, and well, i gave up (i'm not really experienced with all this stuff).
here is the pic of my setup right now. of course, the fetch is mandatory.
well, like i said, i am not using nixos like people use it. i just use it as i use any other distro, but i am learning. thankfully, nothing has broken so far (because i haven't made much progress).
i joined in on a team which wanted to participate in a competition, and spoiler warning: it was a bad decision, i shouldn't have agreed to it. the team members are not at all a bummer, they are quite good, or maybe decent, but not bad in any way, but the team formation was arse. firstly, they had no idea (the team-forming members) about what they wanted to work on, and then they organized like 4-5 meetings just to do that. it became fucking annoying, to the point that i started ignoring them for a while. but that is a bad thing from my side, so well, i made up my mind to stick along until it goes, and then i won't ever talk about it.
anyways, quite some things are going on in my head right now. first or last, i am mostly hoping, hoping for things to, well, not suck for me, ig. everyday i wake up, i hope. i hope to see her, but my hope fails to meet reality, and it doesn't sadden me or anything. it's just that the hope gets to live one more day, and the days keep extending. but this won't let me forget, would it?
writing is something that i usually do. it kind of works like an exit for the thoughts that are in my mind, so i wrote a letter to her, except that it isn't meant to be sent to her. it will just stay with me. someday i might read it and then i would laugh at it.
i sometimes don't know what my mind has developed into. i can't stop thinking nowadays. it's just thoughts; none of them are random at all. each one is kind of an exit that leads me out of reality and brings me back to it as well once i explore them. i don't let go of any thought; there has to be a complete autopsy of the thought… before, i would call it overthinking because it was overthinking. my thoughts never used to lead me to some exit from reality, but now they do.
there is a white room in my mind, a room that i own completely. there is a couch there, red colour, mushy red, not the bright red, and i am sitting on that couch in a black attire, reading something. there is also a counter with a few chairs. i don't know why i have multiple chairs because it's only me there, so it doesn't make sense, right? i guess that's just how i like it. (im mentally unwell)
i nowadays think a lot, or should i say there are a lot of exits, but i am not looking for exits. they're there in case i wanna leave, ig, but well, i am kinda happy or satisfied, ig, with whatever the reality is. ig it's mostly acceptance. i have got this restless mind; i don't know how to be conscious and be without any thought or maybe i do its just the duration of it is quite very low as compared to how often my mind is clouded with thoughts. i have no clue how it feels like. if there is something i would want to know, that would be how it feels to be in someone else's mind, like what's their thought process. not a particular person, but anyone. i don't want it as an escape from myself, but as an experience, ig.
but i believe we sometimes do need a break from being ourselves, or do we? idk. some might argue that if you need a break from being yourself, what are you retreating back to? and if you are retreating back to something else then what you think you are, that's what you are not. but in my mind, retreating back would be just stepping away from personal matters, or any other matter in this case, and, yo no sé, looking at things once again. cause i feel every time you look at a thing, like really look at it, you will notice something that you might not have noticed before, or something you forgot.
but again, that wouldn't be taking a break from yourself. that would be just adjusting the zoom. and you don't want to zoom out too much; you will lose focus of yourself and things will feel cliché i guess i would say it being nihilistic. just being aware is enough, rather than being in it. why i know it is because i think i was close to it.
i know how it feels when hope finally aligns with reality, when hope is no longer hope, but reality. i have experienced it first hand. it feels unexpected, then, just as your gaze lands on it, it feels like a bloom. like a spotlight, like some sort of glow around it or idk maybe the lightning and the sun position just at that moment was so picturesque that it felt like that but it was so beautiful. of course, the spotlight is not on you or me, but just to be sure whether what is in front of you is real and no illusion, you double-check it, triple-check it. it's just so much joy, but never enough that you can't take it all in. and it's beautiful. it's like a golden grace, yeah, it's like a grace.
but somewhere in my lingering mind, there was more that i hoped i could have done, but i guess only one at a time. i keep playing it over and over in my head, and even though the thought of being more is still there, it doesn't reduce or affect that moment in any way at all. i will keep on hoping, but never fill myself with it.
“why not try it all if you only remember it once?” — the strokes (i’ll try anything once)
fellers & stuff
